I'm really tired, so I'm going to make this as quick as I can.

As of May 1st, I officially acquired myself a home. My very first place. With two of my best friends. Aaron and Nick. I love the place, it's a townhouse. Two stories, full basement. It's great. I also have the master bedroom, which fucking rocks.

This month is tough, to say the least. I'm really stressed and am super bitchy sometimes. I'm kind of taking on the "taking care of everything" role. Which is sucking balls right now. Not to mention Aaron got fired from work on Monday because he said nigger, and only because they were playing rap in the store that contained the word nigger. It was really stupid, and he shouldn't have been fired. So tonight I'm stuck at my mom's, even though I just really wanted to go home tonight and sleep in my own bed. Which I've only done for a total of like...5 days because I had to share a bed with Nick for two months, then Kara came to visit, so I had to share my bed again. Fuck, I just wanted to have my bed to myself again tonight. But whatever, I have Bruce cat to keep me company tonight, and maybe he'll actually come sleep with me tonight. So I'm miffed because I stayed later to finish Aaron's resume, which then made it too late for mom to drive me home...and fuck. So Aaron is over at Jayson's drinking, and probably won't be up by 2 tomorrow. Meh, if he does that, then I simply soak his newly made, kick ass resumes in water and throw them in his face. See, I'm bitchy, right now. And I will be for the next day. I also have to be up at fucking 8 tomorrow morning so I can get home before fucking noon. I think Aaron can go fucking apply to places by himself tomorrow.

I super duper love my job. I work at Shell Shock on Jasper Ave, right beside Nick's work. I've become a stoner, so it's only appropriate that I work at a stoner shop. Everyone I work with is fucking awesome. Great team.

Kara came back from Victoria for a visit. She only stayed a little over a week, and I didn't get to see her that much. It sucked, but it was really good seeing her again. At least I didn't cry when she left this time. I'm slowly getting better, lol.

Other than that, I think I'm gonna go smoke then go to bed, cause fuck I need to sleep off my frustration.


I love you Coozin. Things will get better, promise.

Wow, ok, so a lot happened since the last post! Nick and I are on the west end of Edmonton with his friends Jayson, Cody and Robert. We are bunking with them until the end of April. A huge fight broke out over at the other house, as in physical, I was prying Dave's fingers off of Nick's throat and Dave saying lots of "I'll kill you's" and such. So RCMP were called, everything got moved out that day, within hours actually. Very, very dramatic. But now were in an awesome place, I love the people I'm with. They're all gay, go figure, lol.
But I have a wicked awesome job now, I work at Shell Shock. They sell all weed related objects and such. I work with awesome people. I also have a house showing on Monday for a town house not too far from where I am. They look cute on the outside and they are decently priced.
Anyway, side tracked...Roz distracts me all the time.
Life is still good, minus the dream about Josh dying this morning and having Dan in it as well...life is peachy!

Time for an update I s'pose, it's been awhile.

Hmm, well I'm out of Randy and mom's place, it's been three weeks since I left. No hassle, no fighting or sobbing when I left. It was pretty easy, thank god. Lived with Robin for the first two weeks. Now I'm Nick's, but he's kinda rocky with his roomies, so I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay there. Nick and I are going to go get ourselves a place A.S.A.P, cause dear lord we need a place to call our own.
Exciting news! Robin and Roz are gonna start dating soon. EEE! Roz is an intellect, she's funny, she's sexy, oh, I am so excited for Robin! You have no idea. Robin's in economics, and advanced calculus, she's in french...and her GPA is 3.8, and Roz is going for her doctorate, which is cool as shit. I'm just happy that Robin finally found someone that is her equal, and likes the same stuff she does, cause she rarely finds that in girls, and when she does, they're straight. It's amazing how well they clicked and like almost the exact same stuff. So I hope they date soon.
Then there's Nick's new boy toy, and I'm not so fond of him. He just seems like a twink gay guy who talks way to fucking much and way to fucking fast. And he just made the MSI concert for me more complicated. Nick was disappointed when I told him I didn't like him, but hey, I can't like everyone!
MSI was last night, and like the last show, they were fucking awesome. Jimmy seemed a bit more of a whack job then the last time I saw him at the starlite room. They played at Ed's Rec Center in the West Ed Mall this time. I got pretty close to the stage, far left near the front. I got so high for the concert with Aaron, Steph and Paige. I was baked outta my skull and it felt good. Oh yeah, its because Aaron and I took a one month break from smoking weed. It was tough, but we made it, and so we celebrated the one month at MSI, smoking a lot of weed. But that was nothing compared to what Steve was on. The guitarist was really effin high on something, he was tweakin something fierce. He would start playing random songs, and then be playing on song, then switching to another, and one point it looked like he was just randomly plucking cords. I'm also pretty sure he was drinking while on stage, cause I don't think that it was just coke in his bottle, lol. Other than that, the show was sweet. It was worth seeing them twice, I'd actually got a third. They're just so entertaining to watch, they put on a good show. Haha, it was funny because they let people up on stage to dance, and Nick's boy toy got up there and was dancing like a male slut, it was funny. I still don't like him, XD.
Seeing Coozin was the best part. I missed her so much. So we went and had nom noms at Earls. I had shrimp and prawn linguini, so yummy. So we went shopping and cruised around. Got gussied up for MSI. Then today we shopped some more. Paige got a Sailor Moon bag/purse, I wanted one. I love Sailor Moon. I've been watching so much Sailor Moon lately, I've watched twenty episodes, Season 1 so far. I also watched the Sailor Moon movie too. Anyway, then Paige had to leave at 3, so she drove me to my mom's, they visited, she left, and I'm still at mom's. I are sleeping over! Teehee. I have to go back tomorrow, me and Robin are going out to New City for some dancing fun!
Oh, and I got more weed, so I'm flying happy right now. Weee! *Snicker* Hmm, aaaaand I have a crush on a girl...she's super awesome. I'll see how things go on that one. I also got an interview at Shell Shock on Tuesday. If I get that job, I will be so blown away. Happiest person in the world, for sure. I've always wanted to work at a place like that. I'd get discounts on bongs, pipes, grinders, get the best selection of papers and hash pipes. Oh I could buy a hooka! Ahaha, that freaking rule. That and it would be an easy way to find the Nicky Nikki Bong. Ok, so its obvious I'm excited for this one and sound like a total stoner, that's ok. I'm allowed this every so often.
Other than that, nothing else going on in my life. Have a good night/day my friends! <3

-Nicole

P.S sorry for the typos, I'll fix them later.

I'm so tired of being guilty over Becky. I'm sick of thinking of her everyday, wanting her back, I want to be done with loving her. I want to be done loving Mark.
I finally re-read the letter she sent me over a year ago, and I realized as I was reading, that she was never ready for me, she never wanted to commit. She wanted all the perks and brownie points of a relationship, but she didn't want to be in one. She kept repeating how much she loved me, and how she can't even express how important I am to her and Mark, and that she's so ready to spend her life with me, and she wanted to wait for everything to perfect, for our hearts to be in the right place. But she was afraid, afraid to commit to me, afraid of loving me and having me.
She had all of me, but she was afraid.
I'm so mad. I'm so mad because I spent a huge part of my life wanting her, waiting for her, needing her, loving her, just being at the ready for her. And the one time I finally moved on with my life, and found someone else, she jumps back in. Wants me back, I save her, like I always do. I tear her out of a shitty home situation, I take her away from abusers. I fight for her, like I always fucking do. Fight to the bone, and like usual, I get wounded in the process, but that's ok, I'd suffer anything for that girl. I'd fucking die for her, that's how much I love her. The first time I read that letter, I didn't really get it, it kind of went through one ear and out the other, but now that I'm older, more mature...the letter is such shit. She kept bullshitting that she wanted to tear down her walls, wanted to bare her heart to me, because I'd be the safest person to do it for. Then Mark talked about how he'd never get over Alice, and that he didn't want to be the guy who couldn't get over his past relationship and his past pain. Well fuck, he'll never get over it, ever, because that's his life, that's his story, and there's no room for someone else. Just like there would have been no room for me in Becky's life because fear took up way to much space.
A year and a half I continued to LOVE her, continued to think of her constantly, and for what? All that energy and emotion on someone who's too afraid.
So yeah, I hurt her last summer by telling her I had feelings for John and that we shouldn't continue forward with our relationship.
There wasn't going to be a relationship with us anyway...because her fear would have held her back, and she would have let it. She was never ready for me, she would never have been ready for me. She's too in love with her own fear to see anything else good for her.
And my love for her is going to stop, because I don't think she deserves it anymore.

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'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

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Grad retreat is tomorrow. I'm kind of excited...sorta. It's basically a religious thing. The first day we're there we talk about God and the high school years. But I've heard its a very tear jerking retreat. My Kaylee from last year said she cried numerous times. Its a whole secret thing. The grade 12's from last year couldn't tell anyone, and now this year, we aren't allowed to tell the grade 11's anything about retreat. It's amazing how well they've been able to keep it a secret for all these years. Even back when I was in grade 10, no one spoke of retreat around the younger grades. Must be a pretty special thing then. So we spend Thursday night there, come back Friday evening. But tomorrow is the big day! The huge thing before we graduate. Oh god...

BUT Friday night, I'm going out to celebrate Robin's 18th birthday. So Megan is coming, which A-MAZING. I misses her. And hopefully John. ^___^ It will be a rad night.

SO evanescence is in 3 days. I am so effin exicted its not even funny. I get to see Amy Lee up close and personal in three fucking days!!!! *bliss* Oh god, I can't wait, it'll drive me crazy.

But onto other news. I randomly got my nails done. So now they are long, and pretty and annoying. God, they are so annoying. I'm not gonna do them again till grad and that's it!!! No more after that. you can't freaking well do anything, typing and texting have become overly difficult when it shouldn't be. Grrr-ness

I have my first diploma on Monday. Its my Part A writen part. I have to write a PRT and CARL Essay, not looking forward to it. But I shall manage.

But anyway, kara is here and i must go study, tootle.

I have two last names :P

18 tomorrow!

I really don't feel like living right now.

Nickey finally gave birth to my nephew last night!! *excited happy dance* I HAVE A NEPHEW...I knew it was going to be a boy. Both me and Nickey thought that...and Josh said it was going to be a girl. Na na na, it's a boy. And his name is Adrian (named after our grandad) and his middle name is Roy (named after my dad, since that's my dad's middle name). Poor Nickey, she was in labour ALL DAY, it took her about 14 hours to have that kid. Big difference from the last baby, Samantha had Torrie within 3 hours. But now I have a little nephew that I can shower with affection! *smiggle* I really hope me and mom make the trip down there to see the baby, because I really really really x 5 want to see that baby. *taps keys* we better go see that baby...but yes, that is the great news I wanted to share!

I'm going to Slayer! I'm going to Slayer! I'm going to Slayer! Nah nah nah naaaaaah. SUCK MY COCK SUCKERS! Ahahahahahaha....

AND...I might be going to System of a Down....dunno yet. But I've fallen in love with the bastards! So I better get to go!